Monday, December 29, 2008

Will I ever Laugh Again?

I finally watched the new "Sex and the City" movie the other night ( I know I am behind the times but the television is usually dominated by the youngest members of our house) and I was struck by something that the character Carrie asked. After having been jilted at the altar by Mr. Big and spending days in bed, she said, "Will I ever laugh again?" What a great question for all of us who have faced adversity. The character Miranda responds that Carrie will laugh again when something is really funny.
The question made me think about how much I really laugh nowadays. I think it is harder for me get a good belly laugh. I am tainted. I look at pictures of me before I had cancer and there was definitely a glint in my eye. Now, in the same Christmas picture, there is a hesitance, a deep knowledge and understanding that this can all be taken away in the blink of an eye. Better not to be to foolhardy and laugh too much. Instead, I try to find joy in the simple moments of life and savor them. It is deeper and more rewarding to try to do this. I am not about laughing and small talk so much anymore. I guess that is good but it is sad too. My eyes show it and I feel it. The feeling of never really letting go because you know that you are different from everyone else now. Your body could be secretly working against you and all you can do is wait and see.
I hope that someday that glint in my eye will return but for now I will just be happy that I can laugh a little bit with my friends and family even if it is with trepidation.

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