Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Should I be Angry about My Cancer?

I thought about something I heard Patrick Swayze say the other day. He said he was angry about having pancreatic cancer and the fact that he was going to die within two years. I guess that is understandable. He feels like his life had been "pulled out from under him" so to speak. I suppose that is one way you can look at it. Randy Pausch didn't. I think that he had a great attitude even in his last moments.

Of course, I started to think of how I felt when I was diagnosed and going through my surgery and chemo. I am sure that I was never angry. Even when the initial test results were looking pretty bleak. I have spent a lot of time being angry about other things, but cancer was never one of them. Ask my husband; he has been the brunt of much of my anger over the last fifteen years. I still get mad at him for things that he did or didn't do when the children were young and I was a sleep deprived mother, but I never once felt angry at my cancer.

Maybe that is because one wise woman spoke volumes of virtue to me right after I was diagnosed. She said,"Don't fight your cancer, embrace it. God has given you a chance to slow down. Take that chance and look at life and how precious it is. Don't race through it or fight it. Accept life and your cancer with each passing day as if there is something that you were supposed to learn. Then learn it." She also explained that I would be spending a great deal of time in bed and that I should enjoy that too. I have to say that spending a whole winter in my pajamas and robe was a bit of a hiatus from everyday life. The hair loss and nausea aside, it wasn't a bad way to spend those chilly months.

I have truly tried to let go of any anger that I might have about anything in my life these days. I find it to be such an unproductive emotion. Maybe it is all the yoga I am doing that has helped me to let go. Who knows, either way, my husband is happy that I lost my anger. So am I.

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