Saturday, October 24, 2009

Happiness

I have always been a little superstitious, particularly when it comes to my own personal happiness.  When I was younger I would start to get nervous when things were going too well for me, knowing that life was going to throw me a curve ball and my bliss would be tranformed into some type of worry or angst. 

Then I met my husband.  He is a psychiatrist who has been through years of psychotherapy,  He is extremely grounded and practical in his approach to life.  I was in awe of this but realised that it was rubbing off on me.  With him, the ups and downs of life seemed to to be just that, manageable bumps on a pretty even road.  I was happy and content.  Then we hit some major road blocks.  Infertility, a major move and my brother's cancer.  My happiness was replaced by worry and sadness.  I was better able to handle this, or so I thought, because I was sure that these were justs more bumps on the road and I had my rock(aka Mike) to help me through it.  I did okay, falling apart here and there but believing that I came out a stronger person.

Then the major curve ball came, the big C.  This one was big but I just pushed through it as best I could, trying not to think about the uphill climb I was embarking on and simply putting one foot in front of the other.  It seemed to work.  I got through it.  But now I am back to worrying.  Will my world be rocked again?  What will it be this time?

I was driving to a yoga class the other day and thinking, "I am happy and my life is good."  I haven't felt this way for a long time.  Then I caught myself.  "Don't jinx it."  I thought,  "Too much exhuberence will get you another curve ball."  I know that this is a superstitious and irrational approach to happiness, but given my history, I think I will err on the side of caution and realise that my moments of happiness may be fleeting  and that I need to be ready when, and we know it will happen, life takes another major turn.  Batter up!!!    

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