Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Slow and Steady

The summer is half over and I am approaching the third anniversary of my diagnosis. I think it is the best summer that I have had since my children were born. It has been so different from other summers. First of all, we have stayed home for most of the summer rather than traveling for weeks at a time (Hawaii was only a week and totally restorative). Second, I am feeling much stronger and well rested than I have for a while and third, the children are growing into little people.

It has been relaxing. We have enjoyed our home, our friends and our swim club. I guess that we are finally settling in after living here for almost five years. We are also farther away from the trauma of cancer so we seem more normal, even if it is an altered state of normal.

It is at times like these that I pause and try to figure out what is next. The children seem in a good place emotionally and I don’t feel their fragility quite as often as I have over the past couple of years. “They will be okay,” I tell myself on a regular basis. “They need to be more independent.”

With this independence comes more freedom for me to pursue whatever life goals I have. I know I want to continue to pursue my writing, but in what capacity? Blogging has opened a new world for me and I will continue this blog as long as I have anyone that is interested in my prattle. I will also continue to refine my memoir (which needs a lot of refining).

What else will I do? I used to do so much; maybe too much. Now I want to strike a balance between being fulfilled and being overwhelmed. How much more can I add to my plate before it is full? I worry about that. Because just as sure as my name is Jeanne, someone will get sick or perhaps have an emotional breakdown and I will have to pick up the pieces; putting my life on hold once again.

So as I look forward with trepidation about the future, I will tread lightly. I will try not to overextend myself as I continue to try to “move out of the nineteen fifties and into the twenty first century,” as Luke would say. Slowly and methodically, I know I will arrive just where I am supposed to be.


Chez said...

Jeanne, it seems you have grown into your new circumstances; finding peace within.
Feeling settled certainly helps. I have no doubt you will take the next step when you are ready.

Jeanne Marren Egan said...

Thanks Chez. I guess that I am feeling like I need to do more with my life now that we have passed the trauma of cancer. I am sure I will figure out whjat it is!
Hope you are doing well.

Lauren said...

Keep blogging! Your message of survival and all the struggles associated with defining a "new you" is inspiring more people than you will ever know.

-Lauren (www.breastcancerregistry.org)

Jeanne Marren Egan said...

Thank you so much. YOur words of encouragement mean a lot. I am glad to know that I am not the only one struggling with these quesstions after survivng cancer.